You Don't Like Your Date's

If there’s anything we’ve learned from glossy magazines and afternoon talk shows, it’s that kids — little kids, big kids, 30-year-olds with their own kids — always have a hard time warming up to that new special person in their mom’s or dad’s life. But although there’s plenty of sound advice about how to win over your potential stepchildren, you don’t hear a whole lot about the vice-versa situation: When you instinctively, immediately dislike your date’s kids. Here are some practical tips, lest you wind up throwing out the babies (that is, your date’s kids) along with the warm, bubbly bathwater of an otherwise pleasant relationship.

Sort out your feelings. There’s an old saying to the effect that there’s no such thing as an unlikable kid—so unless your honey’s six-year-old has the number “666” tattooed on his neck, it’s likely that your feelings for him are colored by his claim to your main squeeze’s affections. “If the kids get between the two of you — if they bite you, throw up on you, sit on your date’s lap so you can’t get close or move into the bed so you can’t sleep there — you may take a dislike to them,” says Lisa Cohn, author of One Family, Two Family, New Family: Stories and Advice for Stepfamilies. “And that’s probably because you feel as though you have to compete with her kids for her attention.” Recognize that the child is acting to protect his or her own interests rather than seeing it as a direct strike against you.
Be the adult. A nine-year-old boy has the luxury of pretending not to hear you or “accidentally” spilling a cup of hot cocoa onto your lap—but society (despite what you see in TV sitcoms) frowns on grown-ups who respond in kind. In the long run, a simple, direct “Have I said something to upset you?” or “Why did you do that?” will be much more effective than retaliation with a spoonful of mashed potatoes or (even worse) the silent treatment in reverse. If a kid draws you down to that level, he makes you play by his rules—and there’s no way you’re going to win that game.